Epiphany...

I just came to a realization. I haven't really written a novel yet. I say that I have. I say that I've written two and am working on my third. I say that all the time. But, it's not really true. I mean it is true. But, it isn't. Want to know why? Because I've really only written two first drafts of two different novels and am currently working on a 3rd first draft of yet another. I've tweaked my first novel a bit, I've edited for grammar, a wee bit for content... But I haven't yet rewritten the thing and I know that it needs a rewrite (or three or four or ten) before it is a serious novel. Right now, with the grammar and punctuation all cleaned up... it's enough to be a bad novel. Hell, I might even be able to sell it the way it is. But, I have learned recently that to really write a novel, you have to rewrite it a few times. I say "learned"... this is, in fact, something I always knew, but I've never wanted to embrace it, and in the case of Novel #1 I've avoided it because "I can't publish the novel anyway, so it's not worth the time."

Why do I say that? Because Novel #1 is written in a world that's already owned by Wizards of the Coasts and they don't accept unsolicited manuscripts. Oops. Of course, if I rewrote it, I could probably change it sufficiently to be publishable somewhere else. But, I kind of don't want to. I really like the book in that world, and I don't really want to move it and have it be some cheap knock off. Part of me would rather wait and get it sold to Wizards of the Coast after I've sold of my other stuff elsewhere and they finally want a look at my stuff. So, I avoid the rewrite.

Novel #2 is in desperate need of a rewrite. It is definitely not salable in anything close to its current form. That is because it was a. written entirely during NaNoWriMo, b. needs quite a bit of fleshing out and c. needs a complete plot rethink to make it not absolute crap. But, I am terrified of that rewrite for both reasons b and c and so I have yet to come anywhere close to it.

Novel #3 is in progress and still unfinished in terms of plot. It started off as a NaNoWriMo novel, but will now expand past it. At the end of Nano it was 100,207 words long. As of right now it is 100,207 words long. Yeah, I haven't touched it since November. Why? Because I'm already realizing how much rewriting it's going to need before it's finished and I'm so horrified at the thought that I don't even want to write it anymore. Which is, of course, stupid.

Today, I realized, as I curled up in a ball ensconced under my blankets, trying to take a nap because I didn't want to do anything, that I am hiding from my book. I am not doing things because I know I should be writing. And if I should be writing, then I shouldn't be reading, or cleaning, or running, or hiking, or working out, or wasting time on the internet. But, I was afraid to write, so I wasn't writing, and if I wasn't writing, I shouldn't do those other things which left me with... napping. Right. Very productive. Good job Gwen. Way to be.

So, as I began to rouse myself from my nap it occurred to me... I'm being a coward, a weakling, a mouse surrounded by wolves. You name it, if it means being weak, that was me. WTF???? I am NOT a coward. But I have been doing an awfully good impression of one over the past few weeks. Well, no more. I have made a decision, I will finish this novel. I will finish the first draft by the end of December, that's in 20 days. I will then do one complete rewrite in the month of January. I will do another in February. By March of next year, I want to be able to say that I have FINISHED a novel. Really finished one. Not just written a rough draft that I will let sit by for ages, but truly finish one and start submitting queries for publication and/or agents.

My dream is publication. Always has been, always will be. I love writing, and I write for myself, but I love the idea of my book in print, on bookshelves in stores, in people's homes, and I will work towards that goal, and work hard. This book is good enough, I just have to get it there. Deal? Deal. Ok. I'm off to go write.